IGME Files

The imprint says, “Tulips – beautiful flower growing on firm stem yet delicate to hold.” 

This is the message on our plastic water container used in our household.  I didn’t imagine I’d get the one thing I’ve been searching for about myself from this receptacle.  Call it a strange revelation, yes, it sums up every emotion I’ve been withholding to people that I feel should be laid out in the open. 

All of us have a ‘private’ self and a ‘public’ self.  The former is how one deals with his/her own feelings and the latter is how others perceive you.  I won’t beat around the bush, what I’d really like to tell everyone is that I have not been totally HONEST about my feelings towards some people’s actions.  You may see me as nice, accommodating and what-have-you, when the truth of the matter is, I am not always happy deep down. 

When something bad is said and done by someone, I avoid confrontation, bottle the feelings up that go with the situation, or make self-damaging mistakes until they’ll just explode and blame other people. I know this isn’t healthy that’s why I am bringing it up.  Good thing though I know myself by this fact, so that the least I could do is to arm myself with the most difficult people around.   

I’m writing about it because I’ve been challenged by a series of events that happened between a very close friend and me.   I will not divulge the details and because we haven’t really talked, but I am now at a point when the time not spending to sit down and talk, pulls me away from this friend.   Or so I think.  Giving an explanation is a chore for some, I guess.   

There are some friends of mine who don’t even know that they have wronged me and I feel awful lot about.  These things happen and more.  More than anything, it’s me who always suffers anyway by closing off.   

Okay, I know.  I will work this problem up about myself.  I will take up the courage to tell them.   On the other hand, there are also people, about friends and some people who have in their own ways found my kiliti, even when they bitch and rant, I embrace wholeheartedly.  With those “special” people, I am a child with nary a care in the world.  Needlessly, I unknowingly find myself in a bad case of putting my foot in my mouth.  It’s my turn to say I’m sorry.   

Now, I ask you.  Which group are you in, the offender or the wronged?