IGME Files

    Exactly after two weeks since I announced it would be my last blog, in Friendster blog that is, I am taking back what I said because of, you guess it, two people.  My then-decision was based on my lame reaction of reaching the point that I was at my most vulnerable and closing-off would be the better, if not the best option at the time. 

    One of those two is a former colleague, the other a stranger; my friend brought this ’stranger’ along.  I felt the hunch to meeting this friend of mine after a lengthy phone conversation, catching up on each other of sorts.  On the day of our meeting, I had a dream that just wouldn’t go away.  This is one of my weirdest dreams I knew I was bent on searching for clues, or answer to the clues (however you may look at it).  The significance of this dream in my life and the seeming connection of my meeting my friend and her friend became real to me. 

     A book of poems was handed to me by my friend’s friend, written by her.  I opened the book randomly and there it was, a poem called "Decline/Ascent." Now, that was a direct answer to my dream.  I felt joyous, didn’t know a dream and a little poem could empower me so much as this.  Have lots of work to do.

P.S.  For those people wanting to know what my dream was, just ask me.  I’ll tell you.

      Initially, when I started this blog, I made myself clear that I was going to express myself, through writing, the experiences I went through or any emotion or thoughts I have, even my included here dreams I have.  I have filtered them out – for an audience.  Right now, I have 606 people on my list, friends and strangers alike.  Who’s reading?  I don’t want to deny, but hell, I care, not for the number of those reading or the number of comments.  I care for the composition of those reading.  It came to a point that a dilemma has cropped up, whether I want to let everyone know without them passing judgments on me and my being. 

      In blogging, you could be your own self, but what happens when you feel you have crossed the line between writing to express and writing to impress.  When you have put all the embelishments there is, but still, something’s missing.  Even when you are compelled to write, you will have already filtered out in your mind other things that you think would not be accepted.  Conversely, it’s also hard to put those details of your life without thinking of shocking your loved ones, or incriminating friends or yourself, putting off strangers, or worse, losing your job.  When you decide to let it out, is too much information enough to liberate oneself?  When you write, for whom do you validate? 

     There are few of my blogs here that after posting them, I really felt exposed that I wished I had not posted them.  And I want to tell you this too, that those lazy times (meaning the times I had not written and decided to keep them for myself) were happy times and great insights I’ve had. 

     My main argument in blogging is that it has so democratized how you view your world (and the world to you) that it has left out intimate moments with people.  A ‘friend’ reads your blogs and he/she may not even keep in touch for a month, a year; and still can know about what you do.  Your good friend becomes your anonymous-reader/virtual-friend.  I don’t want to have relationships like that. 

     I have thought of deleting at least a hundred profiles that have infiltrated my account who I have no connection at all, but that would mean going through their names and trying to have a face-recall.  And before I know it, that would also require questioning the remaining hundreds if they deserve a glimpse of my life, and I have no time thinking about that either. 

    Frienster blog has served its purpose and I have learned I can’t separate myself/edit myself out from my writing.  I am moving on to another blog site that has a private and public viewing feature.  Or maybe I’d just create an anonymous account for everyone to read.    I just know I love writing, but it will never love me back.    

    I can’t just mention one particular place, but I am leaving my heart in the bountiful street life of New York; the quiet walks by the riverside bridge at Providence, Rhode Island; the long but exquisitely brimming drive around Maine; the vibrantly cosmopolitan Boston life; the mystical mountains of the dreamy California; and certainly not the least, the tranquil calling from the Pacific Ocean winds in San Francisco.  I am now a staunch believer when searching for happiness, one even has to travel around the world.

    To all the amazing people I met — till we meet again. 

    Manila, here I come!

    Interjections are part of our daily speech. They represent a particular culture, for example, in Filipino showbiz parlance, who’d have thought Ruffa Gutierrez coined the term “super duper” in the early to mid-90’s to every sentence unthinkable and made it our own. A hundred and one list goes on.

     “Wow” easily dislodged my oft-expressed Pinoy two-word invective which has a ‘mother’ in it. To all those moralists, invectives are just it, spurs of the moment. When I came to the United States last May, wow became my byword and barely six months after and into the homestretch, it’s still my universal expression – never leaving my side. I am making a wow game for you.

     Wow is/ wow isn’t…

• when you get a US visa and you realize only one out of ten people is ‘awarded’ to…(my rate isn’t accurate, just a guess)
• when your nationhood is put on a litmus test by the study of contrasts of what an airport looks like, e.g. Taiwan Int’l Airport’s massive and organized airport as opposed to NAIA’s…
• the inexplicable joy that you’re family is actually growing in number (having a niece and a sis-in-law), the memories you share and the sad irony of your mortality
• when friends and strangers gravitate towards you and lend your ear about life’s complexities and you intuitively feel that’s the one thing they need from you
• seeing little and big miracles open up to you, like seeing a moose trot in front of you on the highway when most people have not seen an elusive moose in their lives.  Make that two moose sightings in one day!
• or when you visit a grand and majestic of a place and you instantly remember a dream several years back, a subliminal message slowly unravelling
• or when you recall a person, whether a friend or a stranger becoming your angel, who in the most dramatic and death-defying way said, (imagine her as the drunk pedicab woman-driver with you as the lone passenger traversing the dangerous and busy stretch of Roxas Boulevard) “nandyan lang ang mga pangarap natin” (“are dreams are only there to reach”); and after all is said and done, your dreams do come true
• when you have seen and touched the earth’s ‘creative pageantry,’ you just have to participate by honoring the earth…
• when you realize that wherever altitude you may be seeing a mountain, a coast, a harbor, an ocean or a river, they are the same thing, beautifully-created as ever
• when you’re on top of the mountain trail, can see the heavenly-reaching horizon and taught where the sun rises first in the whole East Coast.
• the awe when you first see the turning of maple trees, the signal of autumn.
• the details of the past and present, the pains and the joys, the secrets and fantasies that only an intimate friendship is shared with…

    From East Coast where I travelled to some places where each has its own ascribed charms and idiosyncrasies: from New York to New Jersey, from Washington to Boston, from Rhode Island to Maine (my own travel insights will be discussed later), now comes the West Coast.  But first, I got a royal treatment from American Airlines on my way to California out of a really small deed I did. 

     For a relatively new traveller like me, getting to the airport alone and going to the ins and outs of all the airport procedures as enormous as JFK airport in New York could post as a threat to my sometimes logically-challenged self.  For people who don’t know me, I’d just save you from all the details lest you find me irritating and stop reading this entry through and through. 

     Fast forward to my looking for my seat, 37 C which is at the center aisle and the fourth row to the last, a lone empty seat was there for me waiting (meaning:  I was one of the last people to sit).  A girl beside my chair asked me if she could let her boyfriend who’s seated behind her be transferred to my assigned seating.  What’s really in it for me but to rest my tired muscles and be anywhere; I want the lovers together.  No big deal.

     The lovers excitedly informed the stewardess about the incident and she was so delighted about what I did that she reached for my arm and squeezed it.  Then, she went to get an earphone for me before everyone else!  That was just the start of things.  I received another compliment from her when I went for a john.  I played a bit incredulous knowing that was not a special case.  Later on I realized changing my corner seat for a center seat was quite a discomfort.  You don’t want to bother your seatmates anytime you want to go for a break.  But that’s okay. 

     I got up for a stretching break during the last hour of my five-hour travel.  I saw the stewardess again and she was awfully nice about that thing that she asked whatever drink I wanted.  I got myself a small bottle of red wine for free!

     The disembarking was another; she also had a glowing aura around her that asking for a hug from her was easy in a snap.  We embraced.  I didn’t know what got me to say this after but I told her never forget that I’m a Filipino, but she said "it doesn’t really matter." 

     The good thing about it is that I’ve learned to smile about compliments.  And I still have that certain naivety about me pa pala.  Btw, the stewardess’ name is Victoria.  Hope to fly with you again when I come back to Manila. 

       Youtube has been my favorite site for months.  Yesterday, I have mined songs that’s been my "fillers," those songs that I want to ‘fill-in’ every minute of my day whenever possibe to keep me sane and happy (or insane and mad).  I was obliterated from hearing these songs when my favorite radio station in Manila, Citylite 88.3, changed its programming from smooth jazz to another music format, bordering on the acid jazz and club music.

       Some surprises are in the order.  First, I didnt know I have been listening to the quartet group Manhattan Transfer all my life. I know "Shaker Song" is theirs, but I didn’t know these songs are from them too:  "Smile Again" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPYh7bhCha0 (no music video), and "A World Apart" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JS0fqSlkjjI, an ironically reassuring message about loss and separation (with a cool video to boot). 

     Secondly, "Stay Awhile," a ditty song about begging a loved one back after a night gone astray (from infidelity?), from the late Colombian-American singer Soraya http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApRrYdew84c. 

    Thirdly, a very romantic song about staying always close with a loved oned, "Stay Awake" by Ronnie Laws http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbDusLVNTEo. 

     Who wouldn’t be caught up with the catchy friendship song of Incognito’s "Still A Friend of Mine" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xd2hLtJwBfA. 

     I’d love to hear your thoughts, do we have the same fillers?

     Our minds will be roused; our values questioned. 

     Can someone as visible as Joey de Leon not speak his mind on the matter?  For sure Joey’s been waiting for another debacle by Willie and the bigwigs of ABS, and he has found the perfect timing to provoke the other side than now.  Is that wrong?  The means of broadcasting the complaints on a television program may not be the right avenue, but I’d rather lean towards some people whose not afraid to speak their minds.  So Joey has my back, or rather, I’d go for the truth. 

     Willie Revillame has struck back with yet another tactic.  Is this how anyone responds to an inquiry by serving the pity effect and then washing the enemy’s dirty linen in public?  If our justice system had not allowed the show to run and put whoever’s responsible with the 70-plus lives lost almost a year and a half ago in the ULTRA stampede tragedy, then none of this would not have happened. 

     Willie Revillame vs. Joey De Leon. 

     Pro-Willie/Anti-Joey or Anti-Willie/Pro-Joey. 

     Wowowee vs.  Eat Bulaga.

     ABS-CBN vs. GMA-7. 

     Our viewing public split for personalities, more artistas will come to Willie’s rescue, the audience is divided on which tv shows to watch, either you’re maka-dos or maka-siyete.  More exposure-starved politicians will be seen, more media mileage from them and the media will lap them up as well.  A Senate inquiry comes in, then another fact-finding committee is created; more money and time is wasted.  In time, we will all go back to our tv sets and forget about it. It’s only a ratings game after all.  But wait, how about people lobbying Willie for President?

     Do we Filipinos really deserve this travesty? 

     My current read is Carlos Castaneda’s "The Teachings of Don Juan:  A Yaqui Way of Knowledge".  It’s the anthropologist’s (Castaneda) experiences with a Yaqui Indian shaman, Don Juan, in Sonora, Mexico.  Early on, I’ve been interested in things occult, but never really have the diligence to follow through.  I hope this book will help me further become more aware.  How wouldn’t one be amazed in this book and learn that shamans have their own cognition and find terms such as dark sea of awareness as their belief/reality.  Just amazing! 

     I just know I’ll finish this book when I read the introductory quote:

         "For me there is only the traveling on paths that have 

         heart, on any path that may have heart.  There I travel,

         and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full

         length.

         And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly."

                                                                    – Don Juan

    We call it "parola" in Filipino, lighthouses function especifically as beacons of light which serve as a military manuever and/or economic advance by fishermen. 

     My fascination about lighthouses started in movies where they often use it as romantic picturesque backdrops against a striking sunset.  The last time I saw one in film was a couple of years ago in the film "The Majestic" starring Jim Carrey.  The postcard-view lighthouse was shot at Point Cabrillo in Mendocino, California.  Pic is shown below:  

    One can only see a lighthouse on the coast or by the rivers, and so the obvious reason why I like lighthouse is that it’s near the water.  And I’ll always find my way back to water, in whatever state of life I am in. 

     Ligthouses afford a time for lovers for that romantic isolation; when alone, a wish fulfillment.

    Standing on a hill or in coastlines, a lighthouse is a constant reminder for a sign of strength. If one can reach that tower of light in their midst, then anything’s possible.  Really. 

     That’s me in that all-embrace moment.  I’ll get to the perfect lighthouse myself.

At the Portland Head Light, Cape Elizabeth, Maine.  Enjoy!   

some of the earthly dreams realized before I die…